What are your deal-breakers in friendships?

What, if any, traits in a person make your friendship with said person utterly impossible, regardless of the number of redeeming qualities they have?

These are mine:
- Those who premeditatively and deliberately harm or upset people.
- Those who are cruel to animals.
- Those who manipulate others, using them as pawns to get what they want with complete disregard for their well-being.
- Those who keep company with those with the above three traits. They are always making excuses for such people, and they almost always become such people in time if they weren't to begin with. Even the very most independent thinkers succumb to peer pressure eventually.
- Those who insist on controlling me or changing me against my will.

Well, looking at this at a slightly different perspective I would have to say that the vast majority of people would not be my friends. That which I radiate, that which I am, attracts others who are similar to me. Thus, there is no need for me to have a list such as yours because I know those people who are my friends, are very similar to me. And I've learned not to go out "looking for friends" but, once again, those who resonate with me, just appear.

SimplyNan wrote:Well, looking at this at a slightly different perspective I would have to say that the vast majority of people would not be my friends. That which I radiate, that which I am, attracts others who are similar to me. Thus, there is no need for me to have a list such as yours because I know those people who are my friends, are very similar to me. And I've learned not to go out "looking for friends" but, once again, those who resonate with me, just appear.

Yes Nan I am with you on this.....all those in our life are in it in this very moment because our energy vibrates with those people. And yes I find too they just appear.

Same here; not only am I not looking for more friends, having plenty now, but people keep finding me anyway. There are so many wonderful people and yes, just being one's true self attracts them.

I have a tendency to be too forgiving. I know that we are all part of the living source but a lot of us have driven ourselves quite far from that awareness. Those that are a little more aware are energetically "vibrating" at a certain "frequency" which I resonate with and attract/am attracted to, as was stated above.

There are those that I cannot forgive, and that is my problem.
Of course, there are those that are so hurtful to themselves or others that I need to put distance between myself and them, including those with traits you mentioned Nucky.

I think I know what you mean. I totally detest people who has no feelings for others. They dont feel repugnant with themselves if they hurt others. They dont have an ounce of sympathy for anyone but themselves. They have no pride in themselves, they will just sold their souls to the highest bidder. They will sucker to anyone in power or rich.

There is no deal breaker for me. I am in relationship to everyone in the world, and thus a friend to anyone and everyone. I don't fully believe in the law of attraction. I believe what changes is our own awareness of our relationship to one another. I like the way Blue phrased it, "...we are all part of the living source but a lot of us have driven ourselves quite far from that awareness."

That said, since time and resources are limited, there are people I find draining or dangerous, and I will do what I can to avoid or limit interaction. Some of those things include ongoing criminal activity, disregard for others, self-centeredness, controlling and aggressive behaviors. These behaviors have to be fairly pervasive for me to try to exclude a person entirely. Even then, due to circumstances, it might be necessary to deal with difficult people, but I would still attempt to do so in as friendly a way as possible.

Being a friend doesn't mean being a pushover or being nicey-nice. Sometimes interventions or tough-love are in order. And as Blue points out, there is a balance between being setting boundaries too firm or too loose. I don't quite believe there is such a thing as being too forgiving; forgiveness is something we can strive for, but it is possible that many HSP's can be too weak about stating what our boundaries and putting up with too much nonsense. I also think we can gloss over stuff to preserve the peace, not make waves, and to appear forgiving, even if we haven't done all the hard work of processing that is generally required to wholeheartedly forgive someone or oneself.

Amazing... I was just turning this over in my mind yesterday. My deal breakers: Anyone who would hurt a child in anyway, physical, emotional, spiritual; Anyone who would hurt an animal, has no interest in animals, nature, or living things in general (I've actually been friends with people who couldn't stand having plants in their home, very perplexing to me); gossip! to me that's just bullying that's gone underground; overt bullying; hostility, criticism that's of the destructive nature; manipulative behavior; general "pack" behavior that people fall into when vying for control or some sort of power position within any group (the result is always at the expense of others); ambition; and apathy.

Clumber1 wrote:Amazing... I was just turning this over in my mind yesterday. My deal breakers: Anyone who would hurt a child in anyway, physical, emotional, spiritual;

Oh damn, forgotten this one. Yeap this would probably the ultimate no no for me. I would be glad to offer my service to be the hangman, to break the neck of anyone who would hurt a child! In fact what I would like to do to child abuser is unprintable !

Actually I find it strange in so many hsp forums nothing much is mention about little children. As a hsp, I learn so much from them! In fact I can tell alot about a person from the way he/she treats children.

Petersi, My sentiments exactly!

See, that's the thing about being your true self; low lifes that would harm helpless living beings for fun, such as children, animals, elderly, etc. are not interested in being friends with you. They sense you are not victim material and would not aid in anyone who is interested in using or harming others.

I think we are the perfect material for these ratbags.

Those who have low self esteem, who try to be who they are not in order to fit in are perfect material. Those who are young, physically defenseless and percieved as different are as well; hence most of our experiences.

But if you do come into your own, show that you are strong inside, they loose interest.

Amen to that, MC. It's true. I recall when I was a whole lot younger (in my 20's) and I was rather depressed so I got out of the house and went over to this parklike area to just sit. My demeanor spoke of depression and gloom. So, I saw some guys eyeing me and they looked like they were going to head my way. This just made me bad so my gloominess disappeared and my iron woman persona must have emerged because they left, quickly, I might add. So, yeah, how you carry yourself makes a huge difference. If you believe you are a victim, that is the vibe you will exude and you will become a victim in reality in short order. But, if you carry yourself with purpose, and stride forth strongly, pretty much no one will bother you.

Actually Melodicolor what you said is true but not in all instances. Some people hurt others not because of self-esteem. Some just get a kick out of it. Unfortunately our views are the minority views.

Petersi, I was talking about the mind set of those who find themselves victimized, not about the midset of those who do harm. Of course some who do harm do so because of self esteme issues too. It is one of many reasons, most related to fear as well.

Ooops yeah melodicolor my apology I did misread your thread.

Note, this thread has been split; the new one is in the Big Comfy Chair and called "Escaping a Nightmare Marriage".