Pun this, and more....

not true.; i visit this every week or so, and see what y'all have come up with. bout to post the 'family tree' pun on 'dna-newbie' they'll laugh (i think) lol! if not, they can ban my sad ass....
reb

reb wrote:not true.; i visit this every week or so, and see what y'all have come up with. bout to post the 'family tree' pun on 'dna-newbie' they'll laugh (i think) lol! if not, they can ban my sad ass....
reb

Well, I'm glad someone's enjoying them.

Here's 2 more:

The Law in China

Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the towns had gongs that would be rung each two hours: At 8am once, 10am twice, noon thrice, 2pm four times, etc.
The lawyers of the day would stretch out the trials as much they could to make more money.
But the judges became extremely bored with the status quo and went to the emperor, getting a proclamation that all trials would have to be concluded at 2pm.
Thereafter all trials ended with a four-gong conclusion

Desert Market (or should that be dessert?)

A troop of French Foreign Legionaries were marching through the desert. They had been marching for days, their water supply had run out, and they were on the brink of collapse.
And then suddenly, as they staggered over the crest of a large sand dune, they came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colourful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze.
The legionaries were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, they ran down the dune to the market.
Arriving at the first stall, the begged the stall-holder for water.
"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
Not to be deterred, the troops move on to the next stall, pleading for water.
"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.
The legionaries move on, but as they look down the rows of stalls, they can see that every single stall is selling exactly the same thing, and as they move along, asking for water, they get the same response every time.
Finally, one of the stall-holders takes pity on them, and tells them about an oasis not far away, so they leave the market, and head for the oasis.
As they're leaving, one of the legionaries turns to his partner, and says "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."

i cannot steal that and 'give it' to anyone...it'll get thrown back at me....groan!!!!

four gong conclusion was pretty funny, though, as most big trials seem to be anymore...lol!

a trifle bazaar.....the whole thing is moer than a trifle bizarre.....

reb

Game Show Cheat

The television game show was being recorded. The contestant was in the hot seat for the last big question.
The host turned to him, and read the question slowly and carefully. But the contestant didn't know the answer!
Fortunately, he had a backup plan (there was no way he was missing out on this million bucks!). He let out a peircing whistle, and from the back of the stage, four mounted knights-in-armour appeared, waving their lances threateningly at the show's host.
The host looked scared for a moment, and then a steely look came over him. He leapt into the air, and karate kicked the first knight onto the floor. He picked up the lance from the stricken knight, and fought off the second, who also fell spawling on the floor. The second knight's horse shied, and bolted, colliding with the third knight in the process.
The game show host was just begining to enjoy himself now. He waved the spear he was still carrying at the fourth knight, looked back at the contestant, and said "Is that your final lancer?"

Justin the Fig

I met a talking fig tree once. Actually, it wasn't the tree that talked, it was the figs. They would spend all day talking to each other as they grew on the tree.
One of the figs, who's name was Justin became a very close friend of mine. He was rather dyslexic, so sometimes I had to ask the other figs what he was saying.
One day, I was talking to him, and he came up with a phrase "your magic-nation', and as usual, I had to ask the others what he had said.
"Don't worry," said one, "Just the fig meant 'your imagination'."

This series of puns is nearing its end, unless someone else starts adding again to the collection.

*******

The Entomologist

Henry was an entomologist at the local university. He was to be up for a promotion this year and with the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem.
It was not that he couldn't teach - indeed two years ago he'd been honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher - No his problem was with his research: He hadn't had asuccessful research project in several years, and in this day of "Publish or Perish", this was not a good situation.
So that day, feeling depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over, so that he could work in his garden. This always had been effective in relieving tension in the past.But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying, and on further examination found they were infested with a parasite.
But what were these insects. They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before. He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor.He examined the insects and detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.And he received a new major grant to study this new species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.

ugh....that'll get comments from the email list...lol! perhaps, in dying, this thread can offer up its best to humanity??? persistent punitive punnilingus perhaps presses positivity past pensiveness.......

smirk, smirk.....

reb

Punting puns perhaps pretty punny; perhaps pernacious, p u-not!

no fair! you stole punting from my email title!!!! gotta come up with yer own!
lol
reb

Hey, it was in my email titles too. (no pun, no pun....grumble....)

this is becoming wayyyy toooo punishing.....i started it with 'punting', and 'punishing' and punishment etc...so many grumbles from my email list, and you don't take the flak! i'll send them to you to respond to! see how ya like it (lol)

ya know, i was thinking about a couple of absolutely disgusting rhymes i learned in high school that would equal nucky's 'swearing ' post....maybe i oughta just eamil to nucky.....lol! but they'd liven up this thread, and might get us tossed off this host...lol!

there was a young man from boston,
who bought himself a lil austin...
inside the door
was a hole in the floor,
and his balls hung out and he lost 'em...

(my Dad's favorite limerick)

reb

waaaayyyy tooo punishing is right.....

The Laughing Gnome - David Bowie

A song with lots of gnome puns in it

I'm going to have to listen to it again...later when I have more time. It was kind of hard to hear the gnome.

Could you print the lyrics? That way Reb can enjoy it too...punster that he is.

The Laughing Gnome - David Bowie

I was walking down the high street
When I heard footsteps behind me
And there was a little old man (hello)
In scarlet and grey, shuffling away (laughter)
Well he trotted back to my house
And he sat beside the telly (oaah..)
With his tiny hands on his tummy
Chuckling away, laughing all day (laughter)

Oh, I ought to report you to the gnome office
(gnome office)
Yes
(hahahahaha)

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"i’m a laughing gnome and you don’t catch me"
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"i’m a laughing gnome and you can’t catch me"
Said the laughing gnome

Well I gave him roasted toadstools and a glass of dandelion wine (burp, pardon)
Then I put him on a train to eastbourne
Carried his bag and gave him a fag
(haven’t you got a light boy? )
"here, where do you come from? "
(gnome-man’s land, hahihihi)
"oh, really? "

In the morning when I woke up
He was sitting on the edge of my bed
With his brother whose name was fred
He’d bought him along to sing me a song

Right, let’s hear it
Here, what’s that clicking noise?
(that’s fred, he’s a "metrognome", haha)

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"i’m a laughing gnome and you don’t catch me"
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"i’m a laughing gnome and you can’t catch me"

(own up, I’m a gnome, ain’t I right, haha)
"haven’t you got an ’ome to go to? "
(no, we’re gnomads)
"didn’t they teach you to get your hair cut at school? you look like a rolling gnome."
(no, not at the london school of ecognomics)

Now they’re staying up the chimney
And we’re living on caviar and honey (hooray!)
Cause they’re earning me lots of money
Writing comedy prose for radio shows
It’s the-er (what? )
It’s the gnome service of course

Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"i’m a laughing gnome and you don’t catch me"
Ha ha ha, oh, dear me

(ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"i’m a laughing gnome and you can’t catch me"
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee
"i’m a laughing gnome and you can’t catch me")

hahaha hehehe

there is gnome way i'm sending that to my email list...old codgers would freak out over david bowie to start with! all i can say is 'gnome is where the heart is'...i wonder has he ever been to nome, alaska? lol! what i heard was that this same guy helped pink floyd write the line 'i've become comfortably gnome' on 'dark side of the moon' i think it was...but they cahnged it to be more marketable....
good 'un, nucky!
reb

That one made me LOL

once upon a time, deep in the darkest jungle, there existed a tribe of people who had ceremonies not seen by modern man......when it came time to harvest their crops, they would have elaborate dances. since they believe that no animal should be harmed, absent hunger, they would catch by devious means and tie to their head a multicolored bird known as 'the foo bird' to use in their ceremonies-the females were the most colorful, but the males would do in a pinch...dancing in the firelight, with a foo bird tied to their head, they made an unbelievable spectacle! hoooo hoooo haaah! ooowoo oooowwwoooo (jungle sounds)

in order to catch this bird, however, since it was near as big as a peafowl, they found that, about the time the crops would ripen, the pomegranates would also ripen.....the foo birds loved ripe pomegranates...they would gorge on them...near the end of the ripening, however, many of the pomegranates would be overripe, and fermenting, so the foo birds would become somewhat inebriated, and wobble around....at this time, it was the perfect time for the tribe to catch the foo bird without harming them in any way...however, having eaten the ripe pomegranates, one had to be careful which bird one caught....the fermentation was a powerful thing, and sometimes, foo birds were known to become so over bloated with gas from the fermentation of the pomegranates, they would explode if they couldn't evacuate, which typically, the concussion from the exploding bird, if on top of one's head, would kill from the concussion, or sometimes only cause serious brain damage.....and so, it came to be that the tribe had developed a saying they passed on to all their young people, which saved many lives, and allowed their ceremonies to go on in peace, and without injury....



if the foo shits, wear it.

thank you Strawberry; your comment on another thread made me think of this
reb

I hadn't seen this one in awhile.

Reb, what comment of Strawberry's on which thread?

This is the last of my pun series; this was actually a project for my parents, who love bad jokes, that I shared with all of you. I'll begin a new collection soon. In the meantime, please feel free to add more of your own to the collection.

********

Long Lived Dolphins

In deepest Africa an explorer discovered a lake in which there lived a race of intelligent porpoise. He learned to communicate with these porpoises and they quickly learned to speak and to read and write.
They told him that they had live in the lake for thousands of years and they were essentially immortal. When the explorer told the world about the wisdom of these porpoise, people from all over the world began to write letters to them asking for help and advice.
There was no postal service to this remote lake so the mail just collected at the post office and the postal service refused to deliver it without special delivery postage. But because of the international prestige the government at last agreed to deliver the mail for free.
Because the lake was so remote there was no road and the postal service had to send a postman with bearers carrying the mail in sacks. As they approached the lake they came upon a large lion sleeping directly across the narrow path.
After some deliberation, the postman told the bearers to just step over lion very carefully so as not to wake him.
They were just starting to do so; when a policman sprang from the brush and said, "You're all under arrest! Don't you know it's illegal carry free mail across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises!"
(submitted by Brent Meeker)

Al Gore's drums

Before Al Gore was American Vice President - in fact, even before he became involved in politics - he spent some time as a drummer for a small band playing in local clubs.
He was in fact quite a good drummer, and he developed quite a reputation for his impressive drum solos. Some of his routines were incredible for their mathematical precision.
They became known as the Al-Gore-rythms.

Q. What is Dr. Evil's favorite car?

A. A tucker-tucker-tucker-tucker-tucker-tucker-tucker-tucker-tucker-tucker-tucker

Subject: Investment Tips for 2008
Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2008 20:02:51 -0700


Investment tips for 2008

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected
mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some
BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers
join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.


4.) Zippo Manufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota
Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS,
and bec ome:
FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers
will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of
Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally....

9.) Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge
under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

stealing...pretty clever
reb

A Frog Story -









A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The
frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that
it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with
some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny
porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly
formed.

Very confused, Patt y explains that she'll have to consult
with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, ' There's a frog called
Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow
$30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the
world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)




The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His
old man's a Rolling Stone.'


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

HOW DID I MISS THIS THREAD???

My favorite puns are the ones that happen spontaneously in conversations. This is my favorite one (so far):

One of my exes was a tornado fanatic, and upon our first meeting (yep ) he was showing me a huge book full of tornado trivia--where they happened, the force of the winds, stats, etc. He was showing me one in particular that had occurred in a town called White Deer, and spent a bit of time explaining the details.

He sets the book down to show me a map of something, and then goes to retrieve the book. only he can't remember where he set it down. He looks left, then right, then checks every horizontal surface before asking, "where the hell did I put that book?"

What he hadn't realized was that he had set it down right on the table where we had been sitting. Somehow, without and missing a beat (I'll never know how I did this), this is what I said: "Honey, it's White Deer in front of you."



I had to run out of the room to keep from being attacked.

In natural conversation, if I'm completely relaxed, puns will sometimes just multiply with almost everything I say. I know I drive some people crazy, but then there are those friends who appreciate it and one who always buries me in puns in response. Good Times.


Oy, I just realised I punned again, as the current flurry of punny emails between us concerns the topic of time! tick tick tick tick.....

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

Tee...when I lived in Boston centuries ago there was a sign in a window in Cambridge advertising a law firm in that building.

It was called Dewey, Cheatam and Howe.

! I kid you not. I have no idea who put that sign there, whether it was a real firm or not (I sincerely doubt it), but there it remained throughout my four years in Boston.

Loved that. I wished I had a camera so I could've taken a picture.

I'm not sure, but I think I first heard that line "Dewey, Cheatam and Howe" in a Marx Brothers movie. It's been around awhile. Someone in Cambridge was a fan....

The classics stay funny forever.