jokes (lame, and otherwise)

perspective...i thought it was written by a cat person, making fun of dogs....lol!
r

jeez, i can't go shower yet...look what i found! lol!

1. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good
memory. I can't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom
factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she
objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to
men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing
on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly,
Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too
small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the
enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French
kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He
was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A:
Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A:
Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed',
many men still sleep with their wives !!!

What is this, a woman's guide to how men think??? lol

i have no idea; one of my friends discovered i had a new email address, and i got 11 jokes from her. this was the first one....you can title it whatever you want to....lol!
r

and, now that i seem to have gotten antivirus straightened out somewhat, i got an email on one of the other accounts that hant been working....no pics; sorry. you can likely find this with graphics on the web; the words weer funny enough to me



*****************************************************************************

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for

Blood plasma.

***************************************************************************

No piece of paper can be folded in half

more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...~

****************************************************************************

Donkeys kill more people annually

Than plane crashes or shark attacks.? (So watch your Ass )

************************************************************************

You burn more calories sleeping

than you do watching television.

**************************************************************************

Oak trees do not produce acorns

until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

****************************************************************************

The first product to have a bar code

was Wrigley's gum.

*************************************************************************

The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

***************************************************************************

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987

by eliminating one (1) olive

from each salad served in first-class.

**************************************************************************

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women,what does this tell you!)*********************************************************************

Apples, not caffeine,

are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

***********************************************************************

Most dust particles in your house are made from

DEAD SKIN!

****************************************************************************

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first " Marlboro Man. "

***************************************************************************

Walt Disney was afraid

OF MICE!

**************************************************************************

PEARLS MELT

IN VINEGAR!

*********************************************************************

The three most valuable brand names on earth:

Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

**********************************************************************

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

but, not downstairs.

************************************************************************

A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.

************************************************************************

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush

be kept at least six (6) feet away from

a toilet to avoid airborne particles

resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

***************************************************

Richard Millhouse Nixon

was the first U.S. president whose name contains all

the letters from the word "criminal."

(who thinks up this stuff???)

The second?

William Jefferson Clinton

(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!!!)

*********************************************************

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he serves the duck his beer. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says; 'What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?!'

That one's a good one.

i told the friend who sen tit, it was the best in two years (it is-he's usually doing political jokes which i won't pass on unless they're exceptionally inventive)
r

To all my friends who enjoy a glass of wine ... and to those who don't.

As Ben Franklin once said: "In wine, there is wisdom, in beer, there is freedom, in water, there is bacteria".

Through a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have discovered that if we drink 2 pints of water each day, at the end of the year, we have absorbed more than 2 1/2 pounds of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - the bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 2 1/2 pounds of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol must go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Not to mention that alcohol kills bacteria.

So Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it is better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I do it as a public service.

Now where's that cabernet savignon?.....

i gotta cabinet, but none of that savee ignone stuff...
reb

Too bad; I couldn't drink it, but I could make some killer speghetti with it. I guess I'll go find some tea....

Woohoo!,
The perfect excuse for a wee vodka. Bottoms up (LOL!) or you could just boil the water...

I suppose you could just boil the water, but it wouldn't be nearly as fun. Vodka huh?

got this from a friend; you fill in your name at the top with block letters. in his case, he left out 'shoot to kill any inbound aliens of any country or planet.', but i'm going to correct him on that.....feel free, i fyou wanna run too. his war chest consists of a case of jack daniels and an old cadillac right now, so you might be able to edge him out in electoral votes lol! r

FOR PRESIDENT

After a careful review of the options for the up-coming election:

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE. HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) Press 1 for English is immediately banned. English is the official language. Speak it or wait at the border until you can.
(2) We will immediately go into a two-year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude.
NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'WalMart' policy: 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'
(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.
(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (Six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.
(5) Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin' in, you ain't getting' nuttin' out. Neither the president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.
(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.
(7) Professional Athletes --Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you will be banned for life.
( Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method: The first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There will be no more life sentences -- if you are convicted of a Capitol Offense, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim, gun, knife, strangulation, etc.
(9) One export will be allowed - Wheat -- The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.
(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.
(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress -- right after a prayer to God.
(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.




Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes, but a vote for me will get you better than what you have and better than what you're gonna get.

I'm not sure if this fits in this thread, but I thought Water Dragon and maybe Reb would get a kick out of it.

Thanks, Blue! i love it...if he messes with that thumbbuster, he won't be able to count to 21 the way he's got it place, though....

ever once in awhile, i record some old movies; some of the best are 'the Duke's'....
reb

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a fewparts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Blue, that's soooo funny and so true!

God Loves Blondes


A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...


'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.'


Jesus, Blue! that's not a joke what you posted! we had a politician in biology lab to dissect, and there was nothing there but mouth hooked directly to anus....looked like a cloaca in between (old roman word)....frankly, frogs were prettier and more complex. never heard a politician say 'kiss me and i'll turn in to a prince/princess', have ya? the more we kiss 'em, the uglier their faces get...look ed zackery....

lol!
reb

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six
students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the
1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the
remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done
by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep
in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one
is a classic!



1.

Don't change horses

until they stop running.

2.

Strike while the

bug is close.

3.

It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.

4.

Never underestimate the power of

termites.

5.

You can lead a horse to water but

How?

6.

Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

7.

No news is

impossible

8.

A miss is as good as a

Mr.

9.

You can't teach an old dog new

Math

10.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

11.

Love all, trust

Me.

12.

The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

13.

An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

14.

Where there's smoke there's

pollution.

15.

Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16.

A penny saved is

not much.

17.

Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.

18.

Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.

19.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.

20.

There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.

21.

Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

22.

If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

23.

You get out of something only what you


See in the picture on the box

24.

When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.

25.

A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last
one!

26.

Better late than

Pregnant

My email circle is getting this one!

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.




A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The end

honest to god, i dint write this man's poem...reb lol!

Are you sure you didn't write it?

uh-huh, unless it sprang like 'hoary putter' from my mind last night...
reb

there are some advantages to reaching an advanced age...reb

> Bullshit and Brilliance
>
> A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking
> her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
>
> One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
> discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
> rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
>
>
> The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some
> bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
> bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about
> to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious
> leopard!
> I wonder if there are any more around here?'
>
> Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
> of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says
> the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
>
> Me anwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
> tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
> protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
> heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
> must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
> beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
>
> The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here,
> monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
> canine!
>
> Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
> and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the
> dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
> them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
> says.
>
> 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
> another leopard! '
>
> Moral of this story....
>
> Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome
> youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and
> experience.
>
> If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away there will be
> five fewer people laughing in the world.
>
> I am in no way insinuating that you are old, some are just more
> youthfully challenged.
>
>
>
> You did notice the size of the print?

A Lawyer and a Redneck
> >
> > A lawyer and a redneck are sitting
next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that
rednecks are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...
> >
> > So the lawyer asks if the redneck
would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to
take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
> >
> > The lawyer persists, that the game
is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer,
I will pay you $500.
> >
> > This catches the redneck's
attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.
> >
> > The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The redneck doesn't
say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
hands it to the lawyer.
> >
> > Now, it's the redneck's turn. He
asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses
the airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
> >
> > After one hour of searching he
finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500. The redneck
pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
> >
> > The lawyer is going nuts not
knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up
a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The redneck reaches
in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > You think I'm gonna tell you the
answer?
> >
> > Don't mess with us rednecks from
WV.
> >
> > We only talk dumb....