On Being Nice

This was originally posted by Denmarkguy on our HSP Dimension Face Book Fan Page:

Are HSPs necessarily "nice" people? We'd like to THINK so, but is it actually true? And is "being nice," by definition, always a GOOD thing? Or can "being nice" sometimes be a manipulation, or even codependence?

This is an excellent question that merrits discussion here too. Also he wrote this wonderful insightful article on the topic here: http://denmarkguy.hubpages.com/hub/is-an-HSP-a-nice-person

I largely agree with it except for one point; I have known some HSP who choose the opposite route from niceness in overcompensation. They became mean, toxic, delighting in attacking, and choosing isolation. But such individuals seem to be somewhat rare fortunately. I also hear tails of HSP who have HSP parents who were emotionally and physically abusing and neglectful to their family and others around them. So full human variation is with our group as well. We really are all individuals.

manipulation, or even codependence

Nobody is completely "nice" all of the time. Except maybe for this guy:



And people who have both extreme patience and extremely low self-esteem.

Nucky, did you read the article?

And people who have both extreme patience and extremely low self-esteem..

Not really.

I only skimmed it before, but I just read it more carefully.

I am guilty at keeping the peace at all costs myself. I am learning to use just the right amount of assertiveness without overdoing it in being overly defensive, but I have far from mastered this at this point.

Being nice is different than acting nice.

If one can't tell the difference then one need to proceed with interactions with caution.

Full disclosure: I didn't read the article.

Hmm...yes in 'mindfulness' all one really only has ...ALL of the time...is the ability to try to control or have choice in their own personal lives. We can never really 'change' anyone else by whatever we wish to do or in how we act...good or bad. It's very futile to do things so that others will respect us more...if we don't first respect our selves.
All that being said...I'd still rather be 'nice' through-out my life than not. I really don't know how to be not nice purposefully....for if I was 'consciously', I would probably not care for myself very much.
Just me thinking....
[I just realised that I am at post 999...and...for me...that kind of amazes me that i made it so far in any forum! Sez something about dimension that keeps me going!
I spose 1000 should be something REALLY 'nice'! Hmm...
smile...b.d.]

Bluedream wrote:Hmm...yes in 'mindfulness' all one really only has ...ALL of the time...is the ability to try to control or have choice in their own personal lives. We can never really 'change' anyone else by whatever we wish to do or in how we act...good or bad. It's very futile to do things so that others will respect us more...if we don't first respect our selves.
All that being said...I'd still rather be 'nice' through-out my life than not. I really don't know how to be not nice purposefully....for if I was 'consciously', I would probably not care for myself very much.
Just me thinking....
[I just realised that I am at post 999...and...for me...that kind of amazes me that i made it so far in any forum! Sez something about dimension that keeps me going!
I spose 1000 should be something REALLY 'nice'! Hmm...
smile...b.d.]

Congrats...your just about heading for an "enlightened" dimensional shift.....*BOWS* to BD our new enlightened "master" here at dimension...

Isnt he cute...

So at 1000 posts we are an enlightened master of a special dimension? HUH that's a surprise! What level do we attain at 10,000 posts?

B.D., it comes down to being nice cause we want to, not cause we need to in order to survive, really. Denmarkguy describes healthy niceness well too. Come on into th enlightened dimension, post once more!

melodiccolor wrote:So at 1000 posts we are an enlightened master of a special dimension? HUH that's a surprise! What level do we attain at 10,000 posts?

B.D., it comes down to being nice cause we want to, not cause we need to in order to survive, really. Denmarkguy describes healthy niceness well too. Come on into th enlightened dimension, post once more!

It means your enlightened ten times over regarding this dimension and all the so called masters that lurk here......ok now that sounds pretty accurate I might add...

OK you get a cute pic too...there is ten thousand in that garden...just believe me ok...

There is 10,000 openings here too and more...how nice!

In that case, "nice" was actually being equated with "being agreed with." To my way of thinking, someone who labels people "not nice" for disagreeing with them is attempting manipulation... which is definitely NOT nice.

I've run into that more than a few times.

You seemed to have intuitively pinpointed many things about niceness as a label and form of manipulation, layed it out clearly what some have noted in bits and pieces. It was well worth sharing those insights.

Hit the nail on the head really.

I had to reread a section because it seemed weirdly written compared to the rest of the article's reasoning but I liked it.

I think it's an important thing to note that HSP doesn't necessarily make you a misunderstood angel or like you have a mental illness, the shades of grey are there.
I think being sensitive makes it harder to be genuinely malicious, but the article makes sure to point out that doesn't cut out the element that people can make unhealthy choices no matter how sensitive you are.

Some of the tactics the writer describes of having used around his parents, I've had to too lol.

Denmarkguy wrote:I appreciate you sharing the article here.

"Niceness" strikes me as a very nebulous concept. The whole thing started percolating in my mind after a couple of people unsubscribed from one of the Facebook HSP groups because they felt people there were't being "nice enough."

In that case, "nice" was actually being equated with "being agreed with." To my way of thinking, someone who labels people "not nice" for disagreeing with them is attempting manipulation... which is definitely NOT nice.

The "bones" that inspired the article were quite old-- dating back to a 2004 HSP Gathering where Elaine Aron was sharing that many HSPs (from difficult family backgrounds) can be anything BUT "nice." But it got me to thinking about what motivates people... and how we choose to sometimes "label" our motivations.

~Peter

What is meant by "being nice" is a set of traditions that have evolved over a long period of time. Those traditions are attempts at solving real problems. Some of them are flawed, some are not.

Before someone deviates from tradition, he should have good reason to do so. And he should deviate by using a new solution that solves the problem that the tradition failed at solving. Often people don't do this and they deviate from tradition randomly without much reasoning, which causes more mistakes than compared to the number of mistakes one would make had they just stuck with tradition.

melodiccolor wrote:This was originally posted by Denmarkguy on our HSP Dimension Face Book Fan Page:

Are HSPs necessarily "nice" people? We'd like to THINK so, but is it actually true? And is "being nice," by definition, always a GOOD thing? Or can "being nice" sometimes be a manipulation, or even codependence?

This is an excellent question that merrits discussion here too. Also he wrote this wonderful insightful article on the topic here: http://denmarkguy.hubpages.com/hub/is-an-HSP-a-nice-person

I largely agree with it except for one point; I have known some HSP who choose the opposite route from niceness in overcompensation. They became mean, toxic, delighting in attacking, and choosing isolation. But such individuals seem to be somewhat rare fortunately. I also hear tails of HSP who have HSP parents who were emotionally and physically abusing and neglectful to their family and others around them. So full human variation is with our group as well. We really are all individuals.

Bumping this up so newer members can enjoy it. Please read the entire article too; it's quite illuminating.

I think being highly sensitive can also make you less sensitive to other people's needs, something I have experienced myself, because you shut your emphatic abilities down when you're too overwhelmed by other people's energies. I find it hard to be "nice" as in speaking and acting in a loving and patient way when I'm overwhelmed. Then I just want to yell "get out of my space!" but of course that's not always possible, and not really fair towards other people. Maybe some HSP's do have problems expressing their needs and thus we react in passive aggressive ways, vehemently trying to be nice and agreeable, but our annoyance will show in other ways, which will put people off without us realising why. Best to be honest in a respectful way from the start than trying to be agreeable, something I still need to learn myself.

Riana wrote:I think being highly sensitive can also make you less sensitive to other people's needs, something I have experienced myself, because you shut your emphatic abilities down when you're too overwhelmed by other people's energies.

I think this may be true for some, but it may depend on your own issues and "baggage". I find that (many) HSP people are the most sensitive to other's needs, often at the expense of their own health and needs. YMMV