Favorite George Carlin quotes (obviously some of this will be R-rated)

Religion has actually conviced people that there's an invisible man. Living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day of your life. And he has a list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any, any, of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and ash and torture where he will send you to suffer and burn and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time. ... But he loves you.

Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent people.

Would someone just put a dick in that guy's mouth please? 'Cause that's what he wants. He's a cocksucker in disguise. He's got his mouth open 'cause he wants someone to cum in it. Now if you wanna keep making noise, motherfucker, and we can find you that way or you're just a punk coward asshole bullshit loud motherfucker and you're gonna shut up now so we don't find out where the fuck you're sitting. 'Cause if you keep it up, we'll grab your ass and throw you in the fucking street where you belong, with your mother! And I'm fucking her in the asshole every night anyway so fuck you and your sister and your wife! If you got a kid, I hope your fucking kid dies in a car fire! How do you like that you stupid cocksucker? Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here! ... You know? See... You gotta use psychology. You gotta be a bit of a psychologist up here and know how to appeal to a person.

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

Here are some musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had medical plans that included abortion. These singers who think they're so special they only need one name. Bono, Sting, Jewel, Tiffany, Prince...what a crock of shit, get a fuckin' last name, would you please? I have a two word name for you: Pretentious Cocksucker. How do you like that? Bono, Sting...it's not bad enough the music sucks but with no last name you can't find out where they live to throw a fuckin' bomb through their window.

Thou shalt not kill. Murder. The fifth commandment. But if you think about it...if you think about it, religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. No, more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do...all you have to do is look at slavery, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the World Trade Center, and you'll see how seriously the religious folks take "Thou Shalt Not Kill." The more devout they are...the more devout they are, the more they see murder as negotiable...it's negotiable. It depends, you know? It depends, it depends on who's doing the killing, and who's getting killed.

The last thing they need is for you to stop and get out of your car and go over to the fire, because by now it IS a fire, and start bothering them with a lot of stupid questions. "Are you hurt?" Of course they're hurt; look at all the blood! You just RAN OVER them with a ton and a half of steel!

Cannibalism. Imagine that: chowing down on another human being. You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man. You gotta be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn't it? Still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness run out of pop tarts, gotta eat something. Might as well be Steve. And by the way, how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he's skinny and he can't fight back, or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder because he's got a lot of steaks and chops on him?

Another word you don't hear too often is "dingleberries." You know, you never hear it on Meet the Press. I think it's because "dingleberries" is one of those words you don't say too much past your tenth birthday. It's not a grown-up's word; it's a kid's word. "Dingleberries!" It always sounded kind of Christmas-y to me. Don't you think it has a holiday ring to it? "Dingleberries." John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door. Then when Marianne comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries! "It is to be devoutly wished . . . that she would kiss me . . . under the dingleberries."

What year did Jesus think it was?

Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town

I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic f**king hatreds!