A World of Needs

This is something I posted on the old Aimoo board a few years ago. Some people found it interesting. I hope you will.
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A World of Needs

I have seen many posts here regarding relationships ... people trying to understand why they relate to others the way they do ... why they act the way they do ... why others act and react the way they do ... people unable to find the affection or respect they are looking for ... trying to understand what attracts people to each other ... why relationship start and why they fail. I believe these are all related in one simple concept ... Needs.

In searching for these answers myself several years ago, I discovered what I call the Needs concept. The audio tapes "Conversation Power" are interesting listening (at least the first tape .. the others get a bit draggy). (They are readily available at Amazon.com, and used ones are less than $13, including shipping.) The first tape includes an interesting part about recognizing people's needs, and it has clarified many questions for me about people and relationships.

The concept is this:
We all do, everything we do, to satisfy our needs. Often unaware of what we are doing, we are constantly doing things that will satisfy needs that have not been fulfilled.
Every interaction we have with others is built around satisfying one or more of our unfulfilled needs. Every interaction others have with us is built around satisfying one or more of their needs. According to the tapes, there are 14 Needs we all have (some are stronger than others in each individual). And, for each individual, needs that are not satisfied are stronger than those that are satisfied. Everything we do or others do are built around these needs. Here are the 14 Needs:
1) Sense of personal power - mastery over others.
2) Ego gratification - a feeling of pride and importance.
3) Financial success - money - and all the things it will buy.
4) Recognition of efforts - reassurance of worth.
5) Social or group approval - acceptance by one's peers.
6) The desire to win - to be first - to be the best.
7) A sense of roots - of belonging somewhere - either to a place or a group.
The opportunity for creative expression.
9) The accomplishment or achievement of something worthwhile.
10) New experiences.
11) Liberty - freedom - privacy from intrusion.
12) A sense of self-esteem, dignity, and self respect.
13) Love - in all its forms.
14) Emotional security.

I suggest that if you print out this list for yourself, and apply it to the questions you have about your relationships, you will gain a better understanding of yourself and of the others. Not only relationships, but everything you do. If we want people to react to us the way we want, we have to do something that offers them an opportunity to satisfy one or more of their needs - and most importantly, the needs that have not already been fulfilled. If we ask, why are we attracted to someone, or someone attracted to us, we can find it somewhere in the list. If we overwhelm someone by satisfying their needs too much, then we need other ways to satisfy their needs to keep them interested. Otherwise they will find other ways to satisfy their needs. I believe the best relationships happen when two people have the chemistry to satisfy each others needs while satisfying their own. Failing to connect with others happens when one or both are failing to satisfy the needs of the other. But by finding out what a person's needs are, and helping them to satisfy them, we can give that person a reason to keep coming back for more. We often already do this, by talking to them and listen to what they are saying they need, or enjoy. There are simply some people whose needs we cannot or don't want to meet ... that's ok ... there's a world full of other people. Sometimes another person's needs are not a positive thing for us.

I'm not suggesting that we try to satisfy everyone's needs. And I'm not suggesting that this is a cure-all for all of our problems. I'm only suggesting that every relationship we have can be analyzed in terms of our needs and theirs, and that this will give us a better understanding of the relationship ... and of how we live our lives. If you find you ask yourself ... Why did I do that? ... check the list and figure out which of your needs you were trying to satisfy.

I think HSPs are more giving people anyway. But, since many others aren't, I think it helps to understand their thinking. This may seem too analytical to some of you, but most of us are here to learn better ways to survive in this world, so isn't it worth trying. This seems to me to be a good way of helping us to understand ourselves and others. I believe the concept is extremely simple ...but applying it can take us to depths of understanding we didn't expect.

Why did I write this? ... undoubtedly to satisfy some of my needs.

As usual, just my opinion ... I welcome others.

Spock

Spock,

Just wanted to say thanks for writing this!

I am so glad that you still had it from the ole Aimoo days and have re-posted it.

I can tell already how helpful this is going to be in looking at my needs from this perspective.

This is great timing for me, so I definitely will run it off...

Thank you

Spock, a lot of people will find this useful and it is not at all controversial. So I am going to move the thread to Off the Deep and Shallow End, an open forum.

There is much for thought here.

I'm glad some of you found it interesting. It certainly helps me when I'm trying to understand myself ... and it's helped me in my relationships.

Thanks for your comments.

Their is a wonderful wealth of info in that post........very much so.

I think this is a good list for us HSP, to remind us why the world is so different from us, when they measure friendships only by "dollars & cents". Thank you for sharing.